I have a confession. For the last two years or so, working out has been for a result. I want to look a certain way. I want to lift more weight. I want to increase my speed/velocity/quickness. I want to feel completely depleted to have a moment’s peace. I want to win more at life.

Lately, I have been exploring exercise with no focus on the result. Simply working out to be in my body, project my physical weaknesses, strengths, and explore my connection with movement. My intention was to disconnect with the aforementioned outcomes I believed I was gaining from working out and focus more on the participation with working out.

What do I have to report? First of all, it’s hard not to connect with reps, load, pace, time, etc. Allowing myself to let my body guide me is tough and exciting.

Secondly, this isn’t about my physical being. Damnit…

My connection with results runs deeeeeep. If I’m not doing something for an outcome, it’s a waste of my time. If the wins don’t come, why am I working out? If the A’s don’t come, why am I studying? If the “success” doesn’t come, why am I committing so much of my life to it?

What does this connection to results do? It robs my moments of their significance. It depletes me of my passion when I push too hard and too fast. It paralyzes me with guilt and shame when I engage in something without a clear outcome. It fills me with doubt and fear when I don’t get something I thought I was going to get.

Well, what the hell do I do now? I acknowledge the fact that I’m “in the gym”. Self-discovery is not for the faint of heart. Just when you think you figured you out, you decide to connect more with your body and unwrap some unwanted neurological pathways… That I now will be unpacking for the foreseeable future.

My world feels wobbly, and that’s a good thing, because that’s where growth and discovery live.