Ten years ago on July 26th I was scared out of my freaking mind!

It’s not like I hadn’t gone through this before but that was 18 years prior. I was a completely different person then. As a teenager I pretty much believed I was invincible. Or maybe it was teen entitlement?

“Oh, I’m sick and you need to take both of my diseased kidneys and give me someone else’s healthy one?. Ok. Let’s MAKE 👏THAT 👏 HAPPEN👏.”

Ten years ago I was in my thirties. Married. Mother to a three-year-old.

All of the “What If’s” clouded my mind and bred more “What If’s.”

“Oh, I’m sick and you need to take my ONE [transplanted] kidney that isn’t working anymore and may have a cancerous tumor and give me someone else’s healthy one…again? Ummmmm…😨”

What if:

• I can’t find another match after they take this kidney?
• I have to stay on dialysis for years?
• I find a matching donor kidney AGAIN and it doesn’t work as soon as it’s transplanted?
• I have kidney cancer too?
• I die on the operating table? Who will be there for my husband and daughter?
• Life as I know it – having had one transplant already – is NOTHING like what life will be with this transplant?

The negative thinking spiral proved too much to bear and I searched for support other than medication – for whatever reason I was resistant to medication at the time. Now I recognize it as a positive tool in the well-being toolbox for many.

I found a wonderful book titled “Medical Meditation: How to Reduce Pain, Decrease Complications and Recover Faster from Surgery, Disease and Illness” written by Richard Nongard, PhD. I spent dialysis sessions leading up to my nephrectomy reading the entire book and practicing deep breathing, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation and meditation aimed at helping patients reduce pain, promote health, upgrade mindset and increase self-acceptance.

I listened to “Guided Meditations To Promote Successful Surgery,” led by Belleruth Naparstek AM, ACSW to help lower pre-op anxiety, prepare my mind and body for the OR experience, lessen post-op pain and speed up healing.

To this day I employ Naparstek’s body scan and blue healing light imagery to ease painful headaches and I find Nongard’s concentration meditation helpful when I want to move my attention from distress to something that feels better!

The day of my nephrectomy ten years ago I was alone in pre-op triage, which heightened my nerves, so I practiced a concentration meditation involving the curtain at the foot of my gurney. I found the pattern of diamonds the furthest apart and concentrated on seemingly moving the diamonds together. This lessened my anxiety and passed the time until I was wheeled to the OR. I can still see the color and pattern of that curtain! 🔷

I’m eternally grateful that ten years ago I was scared out of my freaking mind because that placed me on a new path.

Mindful, intentional, resilient living allows me, as a patient with a life-threatening, chronic illness and as caregiver to another with a life-threatening, chronic illness ENJOY the life I’m fighting for!