Is it possible that you are playing a role in your life that you don’t even know you are playing?

My relationship with my sister has been an interesting one to say the least. For years, I idolized and looked up to my big sister. Then one day, she “went off the grid” and when she returned, our relationship changed drastically. Suddenly, I found myself relating to a person that I no longer knew. And worse, I found myself justifying my actions, defending my decisions, and buffering my responses to appease her. I remember thinking, man it’s like she’s playing the victim. Her mantra was, “woe is me, my life is so hard, Dad and Mom were unfair to me.” When I’d check in with these statements my thoughts were, Mom and Dad gave you everything, you had more support and opportunities than anyone in the family. I just didn’t get why she felt so jilted in life.

Recently I was with her, other family members, and her adult children. As we interacted, I quickly realized that she played the victim role with everyone. From this realization came the awareness that she had assigned me (and others) the role of perpetrator. After all, if she was a victim, someone had to be the perpetrator.

In this script SHE wrote, I found myself justifying my decisions, explaining every action, and trying to appease her in every interaction. She stepped into her lead victim role (which always seemed to put me on the defensive) as though she was going for an Academy Award.

However, once I gained this awareness, I had the opportunity to choose a different role. One that was from my place of authenticity (who I wanted to be) and not a version of me that came out in response to her behavior. This also prompted me to set necessary boundaries which helped me to feel more comfortable moving forward in the relationship. Now when she plays victim, I can gladly pass on the role of perpetrator giving her the space needed to step out of victimhood. And if she chooses not to, she can find someone else to reinforce her self-inflicted story.

If someone you know is playing the role of the victim, chances are you may have been cast in the role of perpetrator. There are many roles that can be cast (victim, dependent, control freak, etc.) and the relationships can vary (boss/employee, friends, child/parent, etc.).

When you find yourself in a relationship, playing a role that doesn’t feel “right,” ask yourself this powerful question: What part is this person trying to make me play in his opinion of himself? Only you get to choose the roles you play in life.